Not just face candy

 

 

In some parts of the world beards are just face candy. Warmer climates are generally where these show ponies of  the beard world can be found. For us beards who live far from the equator, things are a bit different. Of course our primary function is still, to quote Derek Zoolander, to be "really really really ridiculously good looking." Unfortunately, our role does not stop there. The same way that mild climate beards are like lap dogs, or poodles; us cold weather beards are more like the golden retrievers of beards. As well as form, we also have function. We serve as a buffer between the elements and the face, much like the way that hostages are used by terrorists as human shields. Only, let's be real, beards are not going to stop bullets. We will, however mitigate the discomfort caused by wind, rain, snow and ice.

Though this dual purpose can cause a lot of discomfort (see above image [not me thk gdnss]), it can also be very rewarding. I mean, think of how proud Roald Amundsen's beard must have been, being the first beard to the South Pole. Or what about Artido Desio's beard, the first beard to summit K2.

I'm proud of my cold weather beard heritage.

I lost some weight

I was so freaked out about dying, over the weekend, that I lost a ton of weight. Stress is a powerful drug.

Repent. The end is near.

I'm sensing doom and demise. Call me Nostradamus (yeah, I'm into that).

The worst part about being a beard

The worst part about being a beard, is living so close to a nose and a mouth. I mean, those things are gross as gross. For example, Jake has had sinus problems going on, basically since I was born. For me this means that I'm constantly having run-ins (pun) with snot. It is never as extreme as the image above (thankfully), which I discovered by googling "snot+beard." I wonder how the paparazzi was able to get that shot of Kid Rock at such an embarrassing moment.

Mouths can be almost as bad. For example, teeth brushing is one of the most dreaded times of day for beards. This is why:

Again, this is just an image of a poor beard from Google Images, after a tooth brushing session. Luckily, Jake wipes off the foamy spittle before I have to leave the house looking like that. But is is kind of gross, just the same.  This sort of thing can also happen while Jake is eating. I'm not going to post any photos of that action, but, just try to imagine what it is like to be coated in easy cheese or ready whip. Not awesome.

I made some new friends

Here is a great shot of me, out and about. It was taken at a plaid shirt party, that Jake went to. Luckly there were plenty of other lumberjack types there who also had beards. It's good to have friends.

Still getting the hang of this

Here is a shot that I had Jake snap of me blogging. It it kind of slow going. Even though developmentally, beards are on a much steeper trajectory than humans, fine motor skills are a challenge. Jake is kind enough to let me use his mobile device to bang out my messages to the world. This works out well, since it would be tough for me to reach all of the keys on a normal sized QWERTY board. I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that I already have 100x the dexterity of Jake's hair (and toes, for that matter). Next week, I think that I might try to learn to Yoyo. After that maybe guitar. Sky is the limit.

Chaging the world

Sometimes I get tons of anxiety about my relatively short lifespan. It is hard not to be constantly agitated, wanting to come up with that next big thing that changes sh*t up forever. I mean, beards like me look at guys like Einstein's moustache and what he was able to accomplish, and we feel at bit overwhelmed. Yes I'm using the British spelling of moustache. I hope that if Einstein's moustache were ever able to blog about me, he would have the same courtesy (even though I think the Brits spell "beard" the same as us colonists, if there were a different spelling, like "beaurd" I would hope that he would use it). Because lets face it, as much as we like to make fun of their bad teeth, etc., everything that the Brits say/do seems more proper and sophisticated purely by virtue of being British. Back to the point-- Ok, sure Einstein's hair contributed to the moustache's efforts in the whole theory of relativity thing. But, still. Jake's hair wont even talk to me. He thinks that he is so bad*ss because he has been around so much longer. But dude, Jake's hair doesn't have a blog. So, who is bad*ss now? Let's collaborate homey!

[Dramatic Title]

I couldn't really decide on a proper dramatic title. "And so it begins" has been hijacked by all of the mommy bloggers in the universe (referring to anything from being prego, to a new stroller). "And on the seventh day God created the beard" seemed a little overboard. So, just use your imagination to come up with your own dramatic title that falls between the two examples given.

The purpose of this blog is to share with the world what it is like to be a beard. I have only been alive for about two months, and I know that my expiration date could be at any moment. So, I wanted to make sure that my life on Jake's face is recorded somewhere permanent (like the internetz and Library of Congress), to give meaning to my existence.